• Warning – intense and somewhat graphic content may follow. I have tried to be as sensitive as I can but wanted to be honest and to share our truth, our birth story. Read at will.

 

Thursday August 15th started off just as any other day.

Braxton hicks had been happening on and off for weeks. My back pain , hip pain and sacrum pain was still getting to me. Every day I was just waiting for the contractions to either get stronger or progress. Every day I woke up waiting for my water to break but live my life. I had appointments all week accept Thursday. Thursday was my relax day.

So we had some friends over to play outside in our back yard. Our to do list was practically done and the house was all clean and organized.  We had planned to just relax and enjoy the sunshine, Our friends came and stayed a good few hours. We filled up the plastic kids pool and we all sat outside while the kids played. I soaked my feet. Us mommies visited , had a long chat and caught up. We even ate lunch together outside.

Cole got off work early and home was home by  lunch. After lunch and when our friends left I bathed Madelyn and we all had a nap.  I think I finally laid down around 230pm.

I had noticed some cramping start around 2 pm. Though it was alot sharper then my regular cramps had been I though nothing of it and went and laid down figuring they would ease off again till morning. then repeat like they have been doing for weeks. Usually waking me up at 2 am and lasting till 4 or 5 am thus leaving me tired and sore all day.

I woke around 4pm to more very sharp cramps. They started coming on every 10 mins and we started timing them at 430pm. By bedtime they where increasing in pain and frequency. Down to 8 mins apart, then 6 mins apart. But 11 pm they where 4 mins apart and strong.

All through my back and hips. My belly was getting hard and they where sharp. I was having trouble breathing, moving, staying in one position. I was mostly lying over the ball on all 4s or on the couch. I wanted the pressure of a hard surface aganist my hips and back. I could barely breathe or talk. It was time to call the midwife.

My midwife was still on holidays and so it was her fill in whom I had met earlier in the week just in case. I had met Lee on Monday, and she had done another stretch and sweep.

Lee came out just a little after 11 pm an to my dismay I was still only 1 cm dilated and slightly more effaced then when she had checked me on monday. No progress. I was really struggling through the pain at this point but didn’t want to go into the hospital for morphine as we would have had to wake Madelyn and take her with us.

Lee gave me some gravol as I was very nauseated.   I took some extra strength Tylenol. We figured it was prodomal labor again and it would either ease off or progress into the real thing. I could not imagine it not progressing or not being true labour.

Cole went to bed and I went for a bath.  I had some bloody show but not what I had expected from people who had told me about it before. I hadn’t had any with Madelyn. My water still had not broken. With madelyn my water broke when the contractions started so this time i was waiting for my water to break before calling but the contractions where to intense and to close together to wait . I thought if my water broke then I would know its really real.

I stayed in the bath tub till 6 am ( Friday Aug/16/19)  when Cole got up. The pain was over whelming. It was draining me. I was not coping. I stayed in the tub all night long with wicked horrible painful contractions very regularly every 10 mins. I had no rest. No break. The pain was consuming me. It was through my back and hips. I could not move.  I had a sopping wet towel against the tub for me to lie my head on, or scream into so I would not wake Cole and Madelyn.

I was struggling so much. I could not imagine going much longer at this level of intensity. The pain was to much. I could barely see straight. It did not feel right. It was not like this with Madelyn. I could not contain myself and I could not help but scream with each one or bite the wet towel.

By the time Cole woke up I needed help to move and to get out of the tub. I wanted to be in my bed. My hips and back where burning. I could get no relief no matter how I  moved. I was in tears. I called the midwife again and by the time she arrived i felt a shift.

I dont know how it was possible but it was like the intensity was turned up even higher.

I was weakening though. Cracking under the pressure and the lack of sleep. Id now been up 24 hours straight with no rest or break. I was starting to panic because the contractions where growing faster and faster and I was worried Lee was not going to make it.

When she finally did make it i was 8 cm and things where happening quickly. She called for her 2nd – A midwife named Ace who had delivered my best friend chantals youngest daughter.  Lee started setting things up but i couldn’t let her leave me.

I needed her to be with me and apply pressure to my back and hips so she was having trouble getting her stuff set up. Every time she tired to leave me i cried. I needed antibiotics because I had come back GBS positive but she couldn’t get the IV in me and I was struggling with the pain to much.  I remember yelling at her and her 2nd Ace alot. Either to not touch me, or to apply pressure, or not to leave me cause ” I really cant do this” When Ace got to our house she climbed into the bed with me and held my hips and squeezed my back while Lee tried to get set up.  I think I yelled at them alot and ordered them around or asked them to do this and this. I was very vocal. I was loosing all faith in myself and kept crying I cant do this. Ace pep talked me the whole time . She rubbed my face and my back and my temples and talked me through breathing and my fears.

Madelyn was awake now and she came into my room to say ” mama remember to breathe ” If only I could have laughed. In that moment I was so proud of her. She left my bed and ran out to Cole and I hear her say from the hall ” Daddy my baby is coming now ” you could hear her excitement.  she asked daddy if she could go to Aunty chantals until the baby came so Cole got her ready and packed her up and chantal came to get here.

All the while I cannot get off the bed. I wanted to be in the water , I wanted my pool but  I could not make myself move. I could not engage my muscles to lift myself off. I wanted the pressure of the bed against my back and hips . I needed to lie on my side.   I had not planned on being in our bed or not being able to move freely. With Madelyn I was up and walking and in the shower and pacing. This time I could not.  The midwifes worked together to get sheets and drop clothes under me in the bed with out me having to get up.

Cole started to pump up the birth pool by hand. He new i wanted it even though everyone thought I was running out of time and wasn’t going to make it.  He eventually got it filled and the midwifes got me up and got me to the pool. I barely remember how I walked there. I got in the pool and leaned over the side with my head in either Coles lap or with Ace. Cole fed me drinks and Gatorade, Lee gave me honey on a spoon.  Cole or Ace took turns holding my hands and letting me squeeze them and talking to me. Trying to help me breathe but the unbearable unimaginable pain was ripping through my back and I felt like my hips where going to separate and split my back in two. I literately felt like my back was going to rip open from the pressure. I dont know how else to describe it. My poor midwifes, I remember screaming If i have to push i cant do it,. i have nothing left i have no strength to bare down or engage my muscles. I cannot do. The tried everything to help me at home.

At one point i had  tends machine on my back and hips. This was entirely different then the first time, completely different experience then with Madelyn and not like any of the home birth videos I seen. I began to doubt myself. Regret this decision. Felt stupid for ever trying. By now i think its 9 am.  They decide to check me again. My water is still not broken the baby is in a bad position, shes twisted and coming down wrong. They break my waters hoping that will help her come down. There is meconium. We need to transfer to the hospital.  The fear takes over. I cannot imagine getting dressed, getting in the car, driving that far ( its less then 10 mins) I cant picture getting in the car or my seat belt. Im crying and upset. Why did I not go sooner? why was I not already there? is the baby ok? Is she stressed?  if we are going to go , we need to go now before the next contraction. I cant bear to go through this in the car.

The pain is impacting my ability to stay calm, to focus, to make decisions. If we go we need to go now. Cole and the midwifes make a dash for it. Grab our go bags and help me to the car. I cant sit,. they turn me on all 4s and i lean over the back of the passenger seat. Its taking to long they are standing outside the car talking trying to plan a route around the construction. I dont even care anymore lets just go! Please hurry! and get me a god damn epidural.

We get to the emergency parking lot , the ride is a blur. There is no parking. Cole stops in the middle and puts the hazard lights on. I scream for someone to help us. im panicked and in pain. A paramedic brings over a wheel chair and Cole gets me up to the 3rd floor im yelling faster. i can feel her moving again. shes going low.  We get to our room and im yelling for an epidural. The nurse says I cant have one yet. They set me up get my IV antibiotics going, give me some gas ( after fumbling with the tanks) It feels like a whirlwind going on around me) , Cole is gone he has to move the car.

Everything seems so fast and intense. The intensity level has been so high for so long I dont how it can go on this heightened much longer. At this point i had labored at home for 18 hours. We had arrived at the hospital somewhere between 1030 and 1045 am  but im not sure.  The midwife says something about babies position being not good. The anesthesiologist arrives to do the epidural but my body is starting to push on its own with out me.

There is no time. Im feeling everything. The pressure is high. I want to squirm around.  I dont want to push . I dont want to accept the contractions it hurts to much. So much for all my visualization of beaches and caves and calm and relaxation techniques. My body is fighting. Im screaming to much my throat is raw. They tell me to go deep with the contractions and go low and bare down and push. Babies shoulders are stuck. Im loosing power with my screams. Take it in go quiet and push down. Dont let my power out. I ask for the push bar  and rope. It helps alot. But she is twisted and stuck and her shoulders are applying so much pressure. They loose her heart rate. Im panicking that shes not ok. they insert a “poky”thing on her head to get her heart rate again.  She is stressed. The midwife tells me to get up and to  squat at the bar and push. i cant get up on my own . I think cole and the nurses help me. I push and I feel her crown. They tell me later she was coming down and out like a little soldier at attention with her head and back and shoulders rigid and straight. I know now that she was stuck to much for me to progress at home. I felt her change and break free when we got to the hospital things changed fast. Once she got past that she was coming fast.

I want to keep pushing. They tell me to stop to go slow , little pushes but I want her out I feel her there. I feel the pressure I feel my body wanting to push her out hard and fast but there telling to go slow  i need to stretch more or ill tear. I dont even care anymore i need her out.   But i do what they say. I try to stop my body to fight its urge to push i try to breathe and go slow. Then its ready again . I feel it build up. I try to look around, there seems to be 30 people in the room. There are crash carts, doctors, nurses,  a respiratory tech. ( hes is a guy) i ask loudly why is there a male in here . I am not happy about it.  But with the next push I forget all about him and shes out. I feel her I feel everything. I felt the moment she broke free. I felt the “gush” I felt her leave me.

at 1258 pm August 16th 2019 Friday , she is born earth side.

In the time that I started pushing and the time she was born was very fast. There was not alot of time for to be squeezed. she had broken blood vessels all over her body and her eyes and busing. We both are bruised. I even have bruises on my arms and legs. Huge bruises. She had mucus in her lungs to but was still great at latching and trying to eat. The girl has an appetite!

I see her, shes so grey and sticky. They lift her onto me and she starts crying. Everyone is happy and they all leave out the door no longer needed. I still feel things are moving fast.  Im still reeling. Im still spinning. The placenta wasn’t coming out right away.

We are able to do a delay cord clamp until it stopped pulsating. I think a whole 8 mins.  Shes finally mine. i can touch her and look at her. I feel things start to slow. somehow i have not torn to bad. just slightly. Only one stitch if I choose to, they recommend it for healing . So I say yes.

Cole has been by my side the whole time cheering me on, telling me I can do it. I could hear him the whole time but i feel like im finally seeing him . Unlike last time im sure he got the full show and seen everything and I dont even care anymore.

Last time I cared so much about if I was to loud. if I was rude or yelly, or what people thought of me. I tried harder to maintain some modesty. It felt slower with Madelyn, more quiet, less intense. I am sad. Everything felt like it happens to fast when i reality it was 21 hours from when we first started timing. I feel physically beaten. I am sore, Im cramping. The after pains and contractions for the placenta are almost just as bad . With Madelyn i had more time to think, to absorb, to take it in, to make decisions. This time I didn’t.  There are still more people in the room then with Madelyn. I deliver the placenta and im still bleeding to much. Im not hemorrhaging but the cant find my fundus or its not doing what its suppose to . They give me a shot and they hand Oxycontin in my IV. I go through 2 bags of it.

Lee asks me if i want to see the placenta. I did not with Madelyn as i thought it was gorey and gross. 3 days after she was born I regretted it and cried in the shower. How could I not even look at the organ my body grew  and held her and housed her before I could? So this time I took the chance. It was much smaller then I thought it would be as id seen lots of photos online. Lee say is on the small size. Im surprised to find it amazing. she gives me a tour of it, explaining all about it and showing me how it worked and what each thing is. Its really remarkable and I can totally see the image of the ” tree of life” with in it. I see why people call it that.

People keep coming in and out to check the bleeding to check me. They give us 2 hours of skin to skin with baby an to breastfeed. At 2 hours they take her to measure her and do their checks. I had said the whole time I thought she was going to be 8 lbs but after holding her she looks and feels smaller.  I guess 7 13 . She is 8 lbs 5 oz and 51 cm long. I cant believe it.

All she wants to do is eat!    We start to talk about names.  cole says Olivia – For the second letter of his name is O and like my name Amanda – M is my second initial for Madelyn. I didn’t catch it at first but Olivia does not feel right to me anymore. Even though it was my 3rd choice. I had been stuck on Clara for months but she no longer felt like a Clara. I say Abigail , Cole dosent like it. He says Amelia ( 7th on my list and hadn’t been on my radar in months) I look at her and think, I say it over and over again for about an hour. I keep looking at her. it feels right. it suits her.  We have a name! We start to call our families and a few close friends.

After my shower I get up and move around and feed her some more. Cole goes to get Madelyn to bring her to see us . while he is gone im moved to post partum. The nurses are all so great.  I need to be kept for observation for 24 to 48 hours depending how it goes. We only got one dose of the antibiotics in before she was born and they normally want more or to closely monitor baby . temperature and vitals every 4 hours.

Madelyn arrives and the nurse who happens to be a family friend films Madelyn come in and meet her sister. Madelyn looks at me and says good job mama. Im crying. My first baby is meeting my second baby. Madelyn looks at her and says ” i am so glad the baby is out of your belly now mom” she is cuing at her and calling her little cutie and talking to her.  My heart swells. We have it all on camera.  I tell Madelyn we have a name of her. Madelyn says she wants to name her Mia. We say its not Mia, Madelyn says she wants to name her Abigail Rose” We say its not Abigail. We tell her its Amelia and Madelyn says ” Oh Amelia , I like that its nice , Hi Amelia im your big sister” and like that our world is complete. Our family is complete. Madelyn stays and visits with us until bedtime. daddy takes her home to bed bathes her and spends hours cleaning up from our attempted home birth. Getting everything ready to bring baby home.

I am feeling bruised and batters. I feel so much pain still and slightly traumatized.  i ache all over. They bring me ice packs and heating pads and Tylenol and ibuprofen and gravol all night. Amelia cluster feeds from midnight to 7 am.   When she feeds there is intense cramps and after pains. They tell me they get worse with every baby.

The nurses are short staffed so they set me up as best as they can so I can be independent through the night. Since this is not my first rodeo after all.  they place the bassinet in my bed with all our supplies and the call bell. The gravol kicks in and we fall alseep around 9 and wake up just before midnight. We cluster feed all night long till 7 am, Hour after hour on each breast back and forth.  Daddy and Madelyn finally arrive around 10 am. Amelia has been sleeping since 8 am and sleeps till almost 11. Still being checked and vitals and temperature readings. Staying on top of the pain meds is critical for me. They do blood work on both of us. My hemoglobin and her PKU newborn screening test before we go home. they do a heart check on her, and a few other things.  Lee comes back and does her 24 hours checks and its decided we can go home.  We left the hospital around 230. Got home at 3 pm. I shower and then our photographer arrives by 330 to do our ” fresh 48 newborn lifestyle photo shoot”

By 430 we are done and its dinner and early to bed. Amelia cluster feeds from 11 pm to 6 or 7 am the next few nights. Im struggling to produce again.  By day 3 Our midwife Joanna is back and baby girl has lost 13 % of her weight and we need to start supplementing.  I refused to do the S and S system again so we start at the breast for 10 mins each side then we de latch and give formula. im still not producing but i have milk. Just not the volume Amelia needs.  shes sleeping better since the formula.  We feed every 3 hours , and change and cuddle and repeat. Cole has taken the week off and we are resting and sleeping when we can. It dosent feel as crazy as Madelyn first week. Madelyn has been amazing to. Such a big helper girl. she loves her sister.

I feel like im still whirling from our birth experience. I feel traumatized from the levels of pain. From the constant high of intensity. Form all the differences from what i experienced with Madelyn.  I know all births are different but wow! I feel some regret and emotions. I feel like I shouldn’t feel bad or complain or feel traumatized because it could have been worse and for others it is. I feel like for those of you reading it , it does not sound like a big deal. In the moment thought it really was. i know you cant plan for birth, that plans change, intentions change, but its so not what i visualized or dreampt about. I was always scared for it but was prepared for it. I figured id cope better, id manage better, id endure better. I was prepared to feel pain.I had no idea. This pain was to much. I feel bad I could not handle it. I have seen women do it, ive heard of them doing it. I hoped I could to. I had hoped I would cope and get through it. I wanted to.  I dont no how any one does that with out drugs. I have seen some pretty calm and beautiful births and I wonder what the hell happens and why couldn’t I ? Madelyn was long yes and painful but less intense. i got rest. I got an epidural. I was able to gather my strength. I was able to think and process . I was able to absorb the process and ride it out.

I had wanted to try not to have drugs this time but omg i needed them and wanted them and still couldn’t have them. I am lucky I went to chrio and massage every week in my pregnancy or maybe it would have been alot worse. I wish I could have gone for the morphine. I should have had a break or rest. Going that hard that long that fast really took a toll.  I feel steam rolled by a freight train. That just kept coming and no end. I feel like ive been hit by a bus. I keep telling myself it could have been worse. Im lucky. I didn’t really tear, my recovery wont be as hard, i didn’t have  a c section. I have no physical trauma or side effects , im healing well and barely bleeding now at all.  For the first few days i felt soft and squishy and jiggly all over. weak and soft. Im starting to feel my body wake up. My muscles are reminding me they still exist. Im feeling more tension. I have lost 20 lbs and barely recognize myself.  My body will need time and so do it . At the end of it all, she is here she is perfect. Shes beautiful and healthy and blonde! So blonde. I realized that right away. Blonde eye lashes and eye brows and curly hair like me.  I really am so happy. I m happy shes hear and cant believe its been a week already tomorrow.  I am so in love!

Here are a few photos form our photo shoot for you to enjoy!

 

We are so delighted to welcome our 2nd beautiful baby girl into the world. We are so please she is here and ready to start our lives together. Watching madelyn with her has been so amazing. shes a wonderful big sister already.  I look at my girls and im still in total disbelif. This is my family. We did this. We made them. They are my heart and soul. I am so blessed and thankful .  I cant help but just sit and stare and be in utter awe. Its so amazing how life changes and what we do and who become when we are parents.  I cant ask for a better life. God has blessed me so many time. i will forever be so thankful for the love and support through out this journey. To my team, my family, my friends, and everyone else. Thank you. thank you so much.