It is not easy for me to admit , but i guess the first step is saying it out loud.  I am struggling.

Not with motherhood or depression or life in general. With my diet.

I swore i’d say on track after my baby was born. To continue to be at my best so I could give her my best. I told myself it would be easy since id had been doing amazing for 10 months of my pregnancy.  For almost a year my levels where mostly under 4.

I did a level 1 week after giving birth to Madelyn and had been eating really well. Back to a intake of 400 mg of phe, lots of fresh fruit and vegetables and low protein.  Than my levels came  back!

March 11th – 12.0

March 23rd : 13.6

March 28th : 15.5

April 4th : 11.1

I am feeling so defeated and shocked. I was trying so hard.  Very hard to accept after all my fantastic levels during pregnancy.  I was weighing , tracking and still using how much phe and drinking all my formula.

It has hit me so hard since the last level that I pretty much gave up.

I dont weigh my food anymore, I havent done any more blood tests, I am not tracking what  I eat on how much phe anymore.

I eat my low protein cambrooke omelets for breakfast, I eat low protein at lunch but dinner is where I am screwing up. I am eating lots of regular rice and potatoes, corn and avocados.

I am really feeling the effects of my high levels this week and struggling to reign myself back in and to ashamed to ask for help. Not that I am sure how anyone can help me anyways. I know it is something I had to do myself, I know how to do it. I just cant seem to.

 

My head feels like is moving a mile a minute. Rushing.  I am very emotional.  I am having headaches and dizzy spells. I am very tired to. Most people would say that’s all normal since having a baby.  But Madelyn is now 8 weeks old and I have had a fabulous recovery. I never experiences crazy emotion mood swings after her birth even with our breastfeeding struggles and her milk allergy. I had a few weeks of high stress but feel that I am coping much better then i would have in years past. I have felt like I have handled everything to my  best and have not felt overwhelmed or defeated and have been thoroughly enjoying motherhood and my precious daughter.

Madelyn falls asleep around 10 or 11 pm and sleeps till 3 am for a feed then back to bed till 7 am so its not lack of sleep either. we have been walking a lot this week and getting out to enjoy the fresh air and lovely weather. For the most part I feel great.

I know it’s my levels.  I know how I feel when my levels are off. They are off. They make my emotions much more heightened and make me much more sensitive and I begin to take things personally that would not have bothered me normally.  Which is why I told all my pregnant PKU mom friends to stick to the diet after giving birth. I could not imagine caring for a brand new born in those first few weeks with high levels and feeling like this . How can I look after my daughter and not myself? How can be at your best if your levels are off.  It made me angry to know end to hear these mom friends say openly how they planned to go off diet as soon as their babies where born. I wanted to scream and yell at them . I thought it was so selfish.

Now here I am.

It’s hard. It’s so hard. I am not making excuses , but I am so busy looking after Madelyn and Cole since he broke his leg and can’t do much, Plus our Dog Copper, Cat Figaro  and our house and all the normal day to day that cole use to do , that I have let my own care slide.

I am the last to eat, and by the time it’s my turn I am so hungry I dont make good choices and grab something quick and high phe.  I know I should do baking and have thing prepared to grab that are low so I dont have to do all the prep and cooking. But I havent had time.

My time management sucks.  Honestly I have not made myself a priority. I have not made my health and my levels as high up on my list of Madelyn or Coles needs. When it comes down to it Madelyn is more important, If she needs feedings, changes , or just to be held and cuddle that’s what I am going to do. I know I can give her to cole or ask for help but  I like being able to do it myself. I need to remember I am important to and look after myself to be able to give her my best, to look after her and lead by example.

I hate the way my head feels right now. Like it cant slow down. Or its moving and rushing around me when I am sitting still.

Its time to get back on track.

I reached out to my clinic and my dieticans and have a plan to reign it in in stages and steps.  Not my all or nothing attitude that sets me up for failure everytime. Ive always been about quick results and doing it all at once. I need to do this right , one day at a time. One meal at a time and show myself some compassion. To not be so hard on myslef and not give up when I make a mistake. To shake it off and try again at the next meal or the next day.

For Madelyn , For Cole and for myself.

I can do this.  why can’t I do this ? it was so easy when I was pregnant.  I had all the incentive in the world and I still do when I look into my daughter’s eyes and she smiles up at me with her big bright blue eyes, toothless grins and coos at me!  

I can do this. I can do this, I can do to this!