I am breaking my hiatus and attempting to write again. It has been 52 days since my last a post and I have sure felt it. I have had words spiraling around mixed with my emotions and thoughts but just have been unable to put them out there.

I needed this hiatus. It has been an incredibly tough time. Though we continue to feel the pressure I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Over the past few weeks we have been through alot. February was one of the worst months we have had and I am so glad it is over. A true test of strength . Normally in times of struggles writing helps get me through. This time I just needed to get out of my head.  To live in the moment and find myself and re connect.

Sometimes being stuck in your head can be detrimental. once stuck there its easy to stay there, the weight of everything pulls you down and your thoughts spiral and build up.

Living in the moment focusing on today brings out your strength and proves to you , you can handle anything. That you do have the skills, the ability and you do get through it. You just do it!

February was a slow month for work.  Being on call each day waiting for the phone to ring. I ended up only working 3 shifts in february.

On Valentines day Cole and I went for a drive through the grass lands for an adventure. We took Copper and my camera and just planned to enjoy the day. We have been having spring like weather for a few days at that time and the snow had mostly melted. There was still some ice and snow up in the grasslands but it was a beautiful sunny day. Lots of mud and puddles. I was shooting photos out the truck window and enjoying the breeze. We approached a large looking puddle and cole told me to roll up the window while we drove through so we didnt get wet. We went to drive through the puddle and ended up hitting a sheet of ice at such an angle that the truck right side broke and the wheels went down, there was water up to the door and we where stuck. Not going any where!! We could not get a tow truck as we where on a dirt road 20 km from the main road. Ww called a friend to pick me up and Coles brother to come asses the damage on coles truck. We had to adandon it over night as it was not driveable and we could not get it out. Coles brother chris was able to pull it out of the puddle but they where going to have to fix the truck up there.  Chris picked cole up on sunday to drive back to the grasslands and work on coles truck. They where able to pull it down the road some more close to the pavement and main road but as they where pulling it the wheel bearing broke off and so did the tires. They had to abadon in again for the night. Chris had some parts at his house so they went back to pick up the parts and on there way driving back to coles truck a drunk driver ran a stop sign and smashed into cole and chris. Chris was driving. Cole was the passenger. Chris truck was heavily damaged and written off. Cole had some soft tissue injuries and a very sore hand from bracing for the impact. Which we recently learnt is actually broken. So now Cole has his first cast and is off work for 8 to 12 weeks.

So Between us both we pretty much both have not worked much in the past few weeks. February is a very slow time of year for casual nurses. March is to apparently.

amongst the 2 car accidents, I had a devastating lost. My beloved uncle John passed away on Feb 2st after nearly a month in the hospital with an internal bleed caused by his liver cancer. He suffered so much. I was unable to go and visit him since Cole and I both had not been working. I did get to talk to him a couple times but it took alot of energy out of him. I spoke to him the morning that he passed away. I did not know it would be the last time I talked to him. I am comforted to know that when he woke up in heaven, he was finally pain free and no longer suffering.  He had such a hard life and had lived in chronic pain for so many years.  I am happy to know he is no longer suffering and he is with my beloved grandparents, his parents. But I miss him terribly. I still cannot believe he is gone. He was 63 years old. The same age my grandparents passed away from Cancer. My grandma had lung cancer that spread to her liver. My grandpa had back/ bone cancer and he passed away 3 days after his diagnosis. My uncle started with Bladder Cancer and lead to liver.

At work on the few shifts I had had , I had 2 deaths right in the same week I knew I was loosing my uncle and after. So it really brought that home. I have been a LPN now for 5 years and in my 5 years I had one of my own patients die. Now I have had 2 more with in weeks of each other.  When i lost my grandparents I was 12 and 13 years old. Now I am an adult and a nurse and my uncle is the first loved one I have lost since my childhood, my nursing skills helped me get through it and also re awoken how it is to be that family member , no matter how prepared you think you are.

With Cole and I both working very little we have been finding ways to fill our free time, and we had been having such gorgeous warm weather for weeks now, so we have been hiking and walking almost every other day.  On february 1st I shifted my focus and my goals from wanting to have a baby to wanting to focus on myself. Wanting to focus on fitness and my physical self. To finally loose the weight I have been trying unsuccessfully to loose for many years.

I started tracking my intake again but this time with my fitness pal. And unlike all my previous attempts at losing weight , this time I am focusing on calories and not my phe levels. I am still of course trying to keep them in range but I am having to cut back my low protein portions, increase fresh healthy foods. I am weighing and measuring and recording everything.  I have had to include some higher protein foods to achieve my balance with calories and weight loss so my levels have risen a bit but I am losing. I have lost 9 lbs since February 1st. My levels have been in the 11-13 range . I would like to keep them around 9 or 10 at the most so it is still a work in progress. The first day I ate like normal and recorded everything to see what my intake was like and I was shocked to see i was consuming over 2500 calories a day. I have been living my life around my low protein food. EAting whatever i wanted and as much as i want as long as it was low protein. So my levels stayed super low but my waist got bigger and bigger. Within 24 hours i cut my calories to 1740 and drastically cut my portions. It was a real eye opener how small real portions actually are. The first 2 weeks where so tough!I was so hungry and cranky and moody, and angry!!! I had stomach pains and hunger and felt like withdrawals. But i just took everything one day at a time and I am really enjoying the time out doors. I look forward to the hiking with cole and copper . I am enjoying setting and reaching goals and challenging myself. I am enjoying the way my body feels after a hike and I am noticing small changes. I am feeling proud of myself.

I am also still in Cognitive behaviour therapy group once a week. We are going into our 10th week and I am beginning one on one sessions for trauma counselling. At first I was unsure what to expect and didnt really understand what the therapy was suppose to accomplish or what I would learn from it and I had my gaurds up aganist it. Now I really am feeling like I am taking it in and learning. I do feel personal growth and new skills. IT has been good for me. I am learning more about myself and who I am . I have kept myself down and as a victim for so long that I no longer had a relationship with myself or recognized who I am. I felt undeserving of self compassion and it is something I still struggle with. I have compassion for my family, my friends , my co workers and my residents but not for myself. I feel like from what I have been through over the years that I am not good enough.

These last few weeks I am starting to reconnect and feel like these puzzle pieces are starting to come together and pieces of me i am recognizing again. I have genuinely laughed, cried, been happy, been angry and have had real emotions that i have aloud myself to feel deeply and not just surface thick.

I am re connecting with activities that make me happy. Like being out doors, hiking, being out in the sun, spending time with copper and cole ,  I have made a few new friends and have been trying new things. I am having spending lots of time in the yard getting it ready for spring. Doing yard work, pruning bushes, weeding garden beds and clearing away the debris from winter. Yesterday I even got my flower beds seeded. I have started my herb and veggie seedlings inside and am planning my garden for this season. It was plus 17 and beautiful sun yesterday so i spent all day outside. Today however it is raining so its an inside day. Hoping to do some baking!

So that has been my journey over the last 52 days, The ups and downs and highs and lows. Writing out in words does not do it justice. Fitting it all into this one blog post makes it seem so little now , but getting through each day has been a real challenge and facing each moment head on . It has taken great strength . The support from my friends and family has been so appreciated. I have enjoyed not being on line as much and taking a step back from the groups and fb and interacting but I am happy to get back to my blog. I love writting here and interacting with you all.  I hope to write again more often!  I hope you are all doing well and for those that make it through this whole post, I thank you!

All the best ,

Amanda