I once described suffering from high levels like walking around in a fog.  Everything dim and pale. Sounds muffled, sights clouded. A fog that swirls around the outer edges of your minds eye. Slowing down time, coating life with a dense haze. Movements slowed, your body sluggish struggling to keep up. Watching the world pass you buy. That your standing there as it moves over your body, spreads across your face like walking through spider webs. Weightless yet suffocating. Standing in the cloud as it twists and turns around you, hiding you from sight.  Looking out and no one looking in. A beam of light slithers forward, blinding and bright , a ray catches through the thinnest veil, reflecting through the air, trying so hard to reach you. You hold out your hand desperately trying to cling to the light, to pull yourself closer, to pull it in, to brighten up the darkness.  Each Struggle in vain.  It washed through your hands, slips through your fingers. It disappears and you wait for the next beam to cross. Or to wait for someone to find save you, to flip the switch and bring back the sun. Cole did that for me once.

He was my light. How many times can one person save you? before you realize you have to save yourself?

When their shoulders and their strength is no longer enough to carry you. When you learn that they should not carry you. They are there to support you. TO help you, for you to lean on. Not to fall on.

Though my levels sit around 9 , I find the fog has been settling in again.  Its different this time.  I don’t feel as lost, I don’t feel alone. I have hope deep down inside. I feel him standing on the other side of the veil calling out to me. Reaching his hand out through the fog, Why don’t I reach out and take his hand? It is fuzzy…It makes me feel so tired, my reactions and my actions sluggish.  My body protesting any movement , its so heavy. I am so tired. Can’t I just lie down here?

The world does not wait, life does not pause. I need to speed up. I need to jump back on the merry go round. Shake off these cobwebs, breathe in deep, and stand tall. All the tools are around me, to pull myself up. To get myself out, I see them there, around me at my feet. My brain knows the steps, I know what I need to do , yet I cant seem to make myself , cant seem to push hard enough? I catch a glimpse of a mirror , but who is that looking back at me?

Her smile doesn’t reach all the way, her eyes don’t shine, her shoulders slump , her skin is pale, hair is flat. Where is that bounce in her step?

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My levels are not that high,  I am lost in my depression and I am growing increasingly worried about my mind.  Memories slipping through the cracks. My mom use to describe my mind like a sieve.  Maybe she was actually right? I feel my long term memory fading. Information missing, holes widening.  I try to remember, I try to focus.  What was that drug information? what is the definition? what are the side effects? what tests do I need for this diagnosis? What is this procedure? How do I do this again? What is a normal Bp? What are normal creatine levels? What is the drip rate for this normal saline?

Why cant I remember? I graduated college 4 years ago, There is so much I cant remember. I cant retain the information. I cant recall that answer?  What are the steps I need to do for this?

How do you long divide? what are my 9 times tables? Where is this country on a map? What is the capital city? How did world war 1 start? What are the provinces in order?  Why dont I know this? Why can’t I remember? what is wrong with me? What have I done? Did I do this? Did my non compliance to my diet as a teenager really effect me more then I ever could have known?

When I was 13 , My levels were so high, I was admitted to BC Children’s Hospital to be withdrawn from high levels. To be educated on the diet , to monitor and treat my side effects. They did so many tests. The one that has always stuck with me was the MRI. My mother came over by ferry to be with me, she sat on my bed when the doctor came in. He held the results in his hand, they sat there talking. Mom was crying. The doctor was talking about White matter. I didn’t understand.

what have I done?

Is this permanent?

I cant recall facts, I don’t remember what I learnt in school . Grade school and some of my college. I feel like it there. I just cant reach it. It is so frustrating!!

Cole and I will be sitting on the couch watching some program on TV, usually history, or discovery, something will come on , I know I should know it . I have to ask him. he explains. And asks why don’t you know that? didnt you learn it in school. What can I say? Probably? Yes? I dont remember? I didn’t pay attention? I was so sick I could not focus?

Little does he know how stupid I feel. How hard it is for me to ask , something so simple I should know. How mad I am at myself. That I blame myself, that It frightens me.

My biggest fear is as I grow old , it will worsen. That I am susceptible to alzheimer’s and dementia. That one day I will forget his face , That I wont know who he is, who my family is, who my friends are, and worse.. who I am?

I am 28 years old, and these are my thoughts, these are my deepest fears. My secret of secrets.  My biggest self confidence.  My lowest self esteem. My own mind scares me.

How can I hold off this fog? How can I help the light shine through? Can I prolong its creeping fingers?

Who can help? what questions can I ask? I want to be better, I want to get better. I want to be me , I want to be healthy and happy and enjoy life again!

I want to change! where do I start?