Hello Bump! I see you and I feel you! Oh boy do I feel you!

I have been struggling . This is way harder this time. My tolerance has not moved, it is still so low. I am really wanting real food.  I would sell my Liver for some mashed potatoes, some rice, some sweet potatoes, some hash-browns,  a big huge rice bowl with sauteed veggies!  anything. I am so sick of eating the same thing over and over and over again. Everything I am eating is sugary crap . I only really get 2 meals cause I dont have room for more. If I eat breakfast it takes away from dinner when i am most hungry.  I havent had fresh fruit or veggies in weeks. I didn’t think i would miss them so much lol

Right now i am at 240 mg phe and 2000 calories. I get 138 mg phe just from formula so that leaves 102 mg for food. I use anywhere from 0 to 35 between breakfast and dinner and save the rest for dinner. I have had trouble getting calories in so i have been filling up on Gatorade and lemon pudding .  This is so crazy low for me. Even when i am on diet and tracking phe I usually get 400 to 500 mg phe but then my levels are usually 8-10 . For pregnancy they need to be under 5. Mine have been sitting around 2 for weeks. They wont up my tolerance until they fall under 2 twice.  I am mostly eating low protein bread and pasta.

I know I am complaining and I know it will get better. I know it is so worth it to. But heck its hard. It is so much harder. Honestly I know why I failed as a teen and why I cheated and why I never could stick to such a strict diet.  I am working so hard for my baby and to make sure im doing every single thing in my power to make sure just as i did with Madelyn that im giving him or her the best chance at a healthy life. SO the suffering will endure.  Hopefully in a few weeks my tolerance will start to go up.  I think it was about 18 weeks with Madelyn that it spiked finally. It feels so much longer this time. I feel so much bigger.

I am 6.8 lbs heavier then I was with Madelyn at this point . I started this pregnancy 5 lbs heavier then where I started my pregnancy with Madelyn . I am currently 186.8 as of this morning. I was 195 on the day I got pregnant. SO just like last time i lost weight in the first trimester.

When I got pregnant with Madelyn i was 190 lbs and i went down to 180.  I was 217 on the day she was born.

This time I started at 195 and ive lost 8.2 lbs

I feel like im carrying lower to then with Madelyn.  I have always believed the myth girls carry high and boys carry low. However i think you also show lower with 2nd and other pregnancies.  Just like with Madelyn i feel like its a boy. But i thought that till about 22 weeks with Madelyn and then was 99 % sure she was a girl . I swore i seen the ultrasound and had a really good feeling. It drove me totally nuts not to know so i am very happy to say we are finding out this time. I know in my heart this is our last baby so i want to experiance it both ways.

Here is a side by side photo of me at 15 weeks with Madelyn vs today.

 

Madelyn on the left and today on the right.

I am hoping for another little girl .  The idea of 2 sisters and 2 little girls is a dream of mine . Boys terrify me but i am sure i will adjust and that really matters is baby is happy and healthy.  I know your not suppose to want either way but I cant help it.  I am finding out in April because i need to know and i need time to prepare, and I know it really sounds terrible but im trying to be very honest , if its a boy , i will need time to adjust. I dont want to find out on the day its born and be dissapointed or anxious or stressed or a bit sad. I just want to enjoy and celebrate this baby.  I am already so anxious about adding another baby to our family,  on how Madelyn will cope and adjust to going from an only child to sharing everything, sharing life and sharing mommy and daddy. I feel guilty for all the changes she has coming. I worry about life with 2 , juggling a newborn and a toddler. Not being able to sleep when baby sleeps like with Madelyn. When it was just her and i , those early days blurred together. night and day did not matter and we just slept and adjusted.  Oh the sleep deprivation! wow! i cant imagine having to stay away with to be with Madelyn while having a brand new baby !  So i am doing all that i can  to lower my stress in advance. to lessen my chance of any post partum depression or anxiety.  I feel like the more information i have, the more prepared i am, the better equipped I will be to handle the early days.  I am getting a lot of flack from feeling this way and from finding out the gender before hand, some view it as bad luck, I know I shouldn’t have to explain myself or justify my reasons but i am finding out . I would not if cole was not on board. i cannot keep secrets from him , i could not know and not have him know. SO i am glad he is giving me this this time.   We are hoping they will tell us when we go for our fetal echo and cardiogram at BC women’s hospital in Vancouver in April that they will tell us then. So it will just be cole , Madelyn and i finding out together.

Madelyn swears its a baby brother as she calls it. She is very adamant and has not changed .

I still havent heard the heart beat with a doctor or midwife. I have a home Doppler ive tried a few time, i think i have picked it up but dont feel totally sure. My next appt ( march 12th) is the 1st appt with our OBGYN Dr. Baickie so i bet i can hear it then. Hopefully cole will be with Madelyn and I .

Then I have our second midwife appt the following day.  So maybe i will hear it both times lol

I am just getting over having a gastrointestinal flu. I actually ended up in the emergency at the  hospital Tuesday night . I was lying on the floor crying with horrible abdominal pain. After having had diarrhea and extreme nausea since Saturday. The pain was getting worse and worse and I couldn’t take it. I was getting worried. SO my best friend took me in to the emergency while cole stayed home to put Madelyn to bed. I had also gotten a sinus infection the same day so i was a real mess. The nice thing was is they did an ultrasound right then and their to check on baby so me and my best friend got to see baby! it was a nice surprise since our first scan was at 8 weeks 4 days and our next is not til 2 weeks 3 days.  We didn’t get to hear the heartbeat but we saw it beating away and the doctor said it looked really strong and healthy.

I am feeling much better now and finally able to breathe better too.  My daycare was closed all week because of it. Luckily Madelyn did not get the tummy flu but she had a bit of a fever and cold for a few days. Cole came home from work Thursday with the abdominal pain and not feeling to good. hes better today though.

We have been going swimming every Saturday. Madelyn has swim lessons so cole goes with her and i swim laps for 30 mins during their lessons. It feels great to be in the water. I have always loved the water.  It relaxes me. I can spend hours in a bath with a good book.

I had wanted a water birth with Madelyn and was really dissapointed when i was told no because of my pku and being high risk. when she was born they told me it went so well that if i ever had another i could totally do it. I am not to sure now that i want to thought because i really needed the drugs with Madelyn lol I hadn’t wanted them and had tried to go with out but at the 29 hour mark i needed them haha. Good thing cause it was another 7 hours after that.  So i think i will need them again haha.

I have register for prenatal yoga starting in April when the roads will be nicer and the snow will be gone and it will be light out at night again.  With madelyn i only made it till about now because it turned to winter and i wont drive in the snow or dark. That will be nice about having a summer baby. I can do yoga and swimming and stay active longer. I totally have not been active other then swimming once a week.

I have to decided to close my daycare at the end of the school year to spend the summer making memories and enjoying madelyns last summer as an only child. As well as working on renos around the house and of course the nursery. Cole is having to give up his office and we are going to have to build him a new one either downstairs or in the sun room. He wants them to share but i feel that madelyn is already going to have to share so much and have so many changes come her way, i want her to have her own space and her own room to go to whenever she wants to. i want her to have a safe space and to feel comfertable. When they are older if they want to share then they can. I was 9 when i started to share a room with my sister. who is 3 years younger then me. Only because my mom had another baby and needed my sisters room. I had the bigger room so she moved in with me. Madelyns room is totally bigger then coles office but thats ok his is just fine for a new baby. Madelyn has lots of toys a play kitchen and doll house in her room. I dont want to take them out as she has to share so much already with the daycare kids in the rest of the house. But i guess we will cross that bridge when we get there. We still have a lot of time.

Well thats all from me for now. I will update soon with a new post about my levels and what i was eating for trimester one.

Monday I have blood work to do for the genetic screening that tells you your risk factors for downs and trisomy 18 etc and dropping off my next blood dot. i sitll do them twice a week on Mondays and Thursdays.

 

Thanks for reading this far!

Oh i almost forgot to add,  On this day, 3 years ago. IT was Madelyn’s official due date and I was 40 weeks pregnant. She held out another 10 days . So its crazy to think next Monday she will be 3 and here we are doing it again.

 

Here is a little throw back from that day :