How do you know? How do you decide? when your ready or not for that second baby.

No I am not pregnant. We have no plans to have more children. But There is a part of me that constantly goes back and forth. Sometimes I think it would be nice for M to have siblings. Then other days I worry. I worry a lot.

How would it change things? Our family works so well.  M and I have such an amazing and close bond.  She is my whole world. I cannot imagine sharing my attention and focus away from her.  not being able to give her my 100 % .  I know how time consuming and how much attention newborns need.  What if I cant be there for her to? What if she pulls away from me because Its not the same , or she gets jealous? Or she wont understand?  Will I ever get our closeness back if i loose it?

What if  it makes her unhappy?  what if she never adjusts to sharing her parents?   what if we wait to long and the adjustment is just to hard?

When is a good age ? Is there such thing as a good age gap between children?  Am I already to late? Have we waited to long? Am I running out of time?

I have always been told to not have children more then 3 years apart because it makes it so much harder on the first born. Well  M will be 3 in march. Does that mean if we cant decide or have a baby in the next year that we are done and its to late?

I dont really want to have baby 4 years apart or after 34 . I am to scared of the risks that come as we get older plus the added risk of PKU.  I am 32 right now.

We are so not on the same page cole and I about if we should.

Some days i am fully content to be 1 and done.  I cant imagine loving another child as much as I love her. Shes prefect! How can you match perfect a second time!?? nothing and no one can be as good as her.

I wanted her for years before she became. I prayed for her, I wished for her. Every superstition. On stars, If I saw the clock change to 11:11 , on falling stars, on anything that brought good luck. I prayed to god and to my grandma in heaven to send me one happy healthy beautiful baby girl.  she is the answer to all my prayers. I never thought it would be possible for us to even have one baby. She is my miracle.  Am I pushing it for asking for a second?

What if the pregnancy is harder? what If I am more nauseated and more sick? What if I cant keep my food and formula down? what if my levels arent stable? What if its unplanned again but I dont catch it in time?  What if i gain to much weight? what if i end up with diabetes this time? what if its a difficult delivery this time? What if something is wrong with the baby? Or the baby is born sick or has colic? Will we manage? can we make it? Are we strong enough?

Being pregnant with M was an amazing experiance. I was so lucky. I really treasured every moment because I never thought i would get the chance. I loved learning about her development every week, tracking the progress , watching my belly grow. Feeling her grow and move and kick and roll.  It was both the hardest thing I ever done but also the most amazing. The 3 times a week blood dots where hard, driving them up to the hospital all year round. The large wack of blood work every trimester. The traveling to Vancouver every trimester, the weighing, tracking and recording of every single thing i touched or put into my mouth. I worked so incredibly hard.  Never have I worked harder. I did everything 100 % in my power to make sure my baby had the best chance and the best start at life. What If i cant work that hard again? what if i was only able to fully dedicate myself to her was because i wanted her so bad? what if wanting another less some how effects me subconsciously and I dont work as hard?

I had the best delivery experiance with M that i could have ever expected. I was able to deliver naturally . I did need the drugs in the end and I am so glad I took the epidural. 36 hours is a looooong time lol.  But then she was here, she was ours,  she was mine. I will never ever forget the feeling when they placed her on my chest for the very first time. my daughter. My first real good look at her. I looked her all over and touched every part of her to make her real, that she was here and she was healthy. My heart grew so much i felt it would burst.  I still feel like that so often. Watching her grow and learn and play. She is amazing. She has changed so much. She is playing pretend now and making her toys talk, she is imagining. She loves to paint and play tea party. She loves our dog copper. And she talks alot! for 2.5 she says alot of words and talks alot. She can carry a full conversation. she is so independent and strong willed but she still wants to cuddle and be loved and snuggles.  She still reaches for mama and needs me and asks for me. I am so proud of her , their are not enough words. I have never know a love like this. I am extremely protective and proud. I finally get why they say “mama bear”

Can i feel like this again? Can I be this twice?  Do i have enough room  in my heart? because seriously it already feels soo full , to every corner of my soul.

near the end of my pregnancy with M I thought , wow I can so do this again. my body is made for this.  this was almost easy. I started to be able to picture 2 children, not just one. I let myself dream . I would never have more then 2. Coming from a family of 5 and being the oldest , as well as watching all of my friends have 2 or 3 or 4 or more I know 2 is my number. Id be done after 2 . Tie my tubes done.

Even after she was born for the first few months I was like yup I can see 2 kids running around our home.

Then my love grew and grew and grew for M and my anxiety too. I didnt feel like I had anymore room. The fear I have for her , keeping her safe and healthy is a full time job. Making sure shes happy and her needs are met and challenged. That I am giving her my best. Then the fear and anxiety of having another and changing our perfect little world.

so I ask again. how do you know ? how do you other moms know when you want more? did you always know? did you change your mind? what changed your mind? How do you cope?

I have only recently started entertaining the idea. I see mommies from mommy group that i joined having a second or third already. Dealing with a newborn and a toddler. Seeing their photos their toddler and the newborn bonding and loving each other . I dont want M to be lonely. I know I run a daycare and she has cousins and a large extended family, but their is something special about a sibling , specially when they are close in age. I dont have a very close bond with most of my siblings. Large age gaps, different dads and distance between where we live. We where closer before I moved away.  they are mostly teenagers now and I am in my 30s with a family of my own. I think the larger age gap has been the toughest gap to over come so thats why I am feeling the pressure to make a decision soon. I dont want to wait to long.

But I dont feel 100 % ready yet and of course Cole is way far away from even considering it. But If I can sort through my own feelings maybe we can come together and talk and make a plan.  But I am so worried about running out of time now. Madelyn will be 3 in march so if we want to have another baby before she turns 4 and I turn 34 we dont have alot of time.  I always said if we decide to have another it will be planned by both of us and i will do the pre conception diet this time around. Finding out at nearly 4 weeks with M added so much stress until the anatomy scan at 13 weeks i was constantly worried if i got my levels down i time. I dont want that worry again.  Also M was not planned. she was a surprise. For us both. Cole had always said he didn’t want kids at all so i was terrified of how he would react but he was amazing from the very first moment on and has been every step of the way. He is the most amazing daddy and you can see how much they love each other. He says he wouldn’t change it for the world.

He has his own reasons for not wanting another, the biggest being my PKU. We where lucky, what if we arent again? that is a big risk. My health is a big risk.  But I did do it. so we know I can.

I just keep having this argument in my head over and over again. Around and round with no answer in sight. When I look into the future sometimes I can see myself and cole with 2 beautiful daughters who have this close sisterly bond.Other times I see only madelyn.

I have been having alot of dreams lately about being pregnant again. They use to scare me but now they dont as much.  Sometimes I see sharing the special moments with M , having her kiss my belly, or feel her sibling move, having family maternity photos, Seeing her hold a baby sister in the hospital room kissing their forehead.  Sometimes I feel all the feelings, fear and excitement. I wake up with the feelings lingering through out my day,

I never picture a boy or a brother lol because the thought of having a boy terrifies me lol

I think its weighing heavily on my mind lately cause I have these 2 day care girls in my care, who also happen to be my best friends daughters. Madelyn has grown up with both of them.  They are her best friends to. She calls their mom aunty and the girls call me aunty.  They are apart of our family.  They are 3 and 1 . so M is 2 right in between , she has watched the youngest grow up from birth. the older one who is 3 calls the younger one her sister all the time and M called her sister once to and i corrected her and i told her she didn’t have a sister or a brother because mommy would have to have another baby but the girls where her best friends.  she said ” ok mommy i want a brother then” She totally didn’t understand what she was saying cause she dosent know what a brother is but it just shocked me so much. Maybe it would be nice for her? she is such a social child. I dont want to deprive her of that.  I just wish i could know for sure if she would adjust ok or not? Would she still be as happy?

can we handle the sleep deprivation again. ?  can we make it through the newborn phase again? it was tough and it did change cole and my relationship a little. Can I manage a newborn? a toddler and a daycare? Can we afford it? Will our relationship survive?  there is just so many what ifs to help decide .  Just how much will it change? Can I even begin to understand ? will i regret the changes? Will i regret rocking the boat?

Our life is pretty manageable and happy right now. Why should we change that? as cole says, why change something that works so well?

not to mention we arent actually married and my children have a different last name then me. that bothers the fuck out of me so much. My last name is from my step dad. Its not even my last name. I dont want to carry it forever. I hate having to show ID when i book appts for M and I or i take her somewhere health related.   Cole and I have been together 13 years so we are practically married, but at the same time we are not. It is looking like we never will be? Can i be ok with that and have another baby i wont share a name with?

I dont know what to do. I dont know how to decide. I had hoped by sharing this and writing it all out, that maybe it would give me some clarity or answer any of my questions but i am still just as confused.  I think I want another, at least a part of me. It would be nice to experience another pregnancy and knowing it is the last. It would be nice to see M bond with a sibling and grow up together? At least i think it would? will it? maybe?

Maybe only god can know and he will decide for us if its in our path.  I just wish I had some sort of sign or clue.