10 year ago this past July, I was in a car accident. I was hit by a car while walking my bike to a cross walk . I had just started a new job and it was my first day. I was heading home.  I had just been using my bike again for a couple weeks as I had Reconstructive  knee surgery that march.   I am kind of accident prone.

I hurt my knee by tripping and twisting my LEFT ankle at my 2nd job when I was 18 year old.  I continued to work as a cashier on my sprained twisted ankle for weeks and was limping and compensating for it. I ended up dislocating my  LEFT knee repeatedly and tearing all the ligaments.  My knee cap ended up floating and would actually move around my whole knee. anytime i put a lot of pressure on it or limp or put to much weight on it I would dislocate it.  I had twisted that ankle in December 2006, then the following march 2007 was when my knee went. I had my knee surgery in march 2008. It was a long recovery because it had gotten infected and i was not able to afford physical therapy.

The day I was hit by the car I had been just able to get my knee to bend enough to go around on the bike for about a week.

The car was turning out of a store and didn’t see me.   They hit me on my LEFT side just around my upper thigh and knee. I went down and landed on my bike. My pelvic floor was shifted and multiple disks where perforated in my back. It changed my life .   struggled with years !!

I ended up struggling for many years with statica pain, nerve pain, soft tissue damage and chronic pain since.  From 2009 to 2012 I went to massage, and physio weekly. I had flare ups and was in pain daily. I wore a back brace from 2009 to 2010 while I was in school for Licensed Practical Nurse Diploma.  Then through out I have had to be very careful with my movements and activity as its very easy to  injure it again.

In January 2010 just as I was about to finish my last nursing practicum I was showering a large patient . She was an angle lift transfer. I had her on a commode , and we had toileted her and showered here and i wheeled her towards the counter to dry her off and the commode broke. The patient fell and I caught her with my arms and shoulders and tried to hold her weight to prevent her from hitting her head on the counter. she would have hit her head at the temple and who knows what damage that would have done.  In the save , I tore my LEFT rotator cuff , skaling muscles and traps.

In 2011 while I was working as a nurse in long term care, I was moving my medication cart from the nurses station to the hall way when they entire cart tipped. I tired to catch it form spilling out all the medications and I stress fractured my back and preferated more disks. I was off work indefinitely. I went through a chronic pain clinic and therapy and recovery for 6 months after that.  From then on I only worked casually as my back just could not handle any more stress or injuries.

At this point I would have such bad days that I could not get up or walk or move very much at all. I was on alot of pain medications and nerve medications . I was deep into my depression and anxiety and had gained alot of weight.

This car accident that took my back out first was a catalyst and it effected everything from that moment on.  I was told if id lucky if i was still walking in 5 to 10y ears much less still working as a nurse.  The pain was crippling me and my body was a burden.

In 2012 we moved to kamloops and the climate really helped my back pain and chronic pain.  I was finally able to work more consistently and live a bit more normal life.  The pain has gotten better.  I have many normal days.  I even have some pain free days now and the pain free days have gotten better and stronger all the time.

As you can see I have capitalized LEFT on my posts .  All my injuries have been on my left side.  Really weakening my left side and making injuries much more likely.

Living with Chronic pain impacts everything so much.  To be in constant pain is exhausting.  I wake up so stiff and sore . By the end of the day I feel so i swollen and inflamed. I can barely weight bear and need help getting to and from my room.  if I stand for to long my hips and legs seize up.   Simple things like walking to long or doing anything to long makes me feel like my muscles are tearing and ripping . I always feel like I have strained muscles or torn muscles.

Today I was a vendor at a craft fair as i am also a consultant for usborne books at home , so i was on my feel from 830 am till 230 pm. By the time I got home I was so sore I just had to go lie down . I ended up falling asleep for 2 and a half hours.  I cancel a lot of plans and back out of things last minute because I am in to much pain.

I  use to try to go to the gym to work out and loose weight, but weight lifting makes it feels like my muscles are ripping.

I  try to be more active and make healthy habits like going for walks, learning yoga, going swimming, and I do really well for a while but then after some time I give up. If i do to much or tweak something it sets me back for weeks or even months and then its so hard to get going again. I have an all or nothing attitude so i tend to go really hard and try really hard and push really hard, but then i get hurt and i set back all my progress. It is always feeling like one step forward 2 steps back. I never feel like I am getting any where or making any true progress. It is so very discouraging.

This has been a 10 year battle and over the 10 years of ups and downs ,  I have struggled with depression and anxiety. I have lost jobs , been an unreliable employee, have been dependent on cole for so long and so much. After the car accident i was terrified to learn to drive and refused to get my new drivers license until we moved to kamloops.   My panic attacks started after the car accident.  I was so scared to go anywhere on my own.   From 2008 to 2009 I didn’t even leave my house on my own to go anywhere. I had to wait for cole to come home and take me anywhere if i needed to go anywhere.  The anxiety crippled me. The weight gain that came from being inactive during recovery and the depression that followed made everything worse to.

It was a very long and dark time. I have come a very long way. But I still have days where I struggle. I really feel like the inflammation has gotten worse. I feel it in all my joints and my knees, my hands, my feet, my hips and my low back. Since having madelyn i am unable to go to therapy as often and only really get a massage once every few months.  i recently saw my doctor again as i was worried about Rheumatoid arthritis but my tests came back fine. Only my CK muscle enzymes where elevated. This is indicative of muscle damage from trauma, and god knows I have had my share of that.  I know I will never be completely pain free, but I am do my best to keep going and enjoying my life.

Yoga , walking and swimming do help when i can go and keep it up. When i am in pain i tend to shut down and not want to do anything,. my doctor tells me this is when i need to go the most but the pain holds me back so much why would i want to move or do anything ?

The weather really does have an impact on pain,. its not just a myth. I really notice a difference when it gets damp or cold. I can tell even when we are traveling to Victoria the closer we get to the lower main land the more my body reacts. I can be asleep in the truck and i will wake up with a spasm or muscle twitch or pain and it will always be just outside hope when even the trees around us are changing from our dry dessert atmosphere to more of the lower mainland rain forest that i grew up with.

My pain is what made me get into essential oils because i was am tried of pumping my body with pain killers. I have had to take myself to emergency during flare ups for a shot of morphine or valumn. I have been pain med free though since 2015.  Now I just try to manage day to day by being careful and not pushing myself to hard, being aware of my limits and some sort of activity , with my essential oils, Tylenol and Advil.

At night after dinner when we are sitting down to watch tv i sit with my legs elevated or with the couch in a reclined position. I really need to remember to drink more water to to help flush my muscles and lactic acid . Water really helps with inflammation. I dont drink nearly enough, I never remember until bed time when i realized i am super thirsty then i have to drink and ill be up all night peeing lol.

I was so worried about how the preferated disks in my back and my pain would be during my pregnancy in 2015 and i was worried about how it would effect my delivery and if i would be able to get an epidural. My pain was actually a lot better and i was able to delivery naturally with an epidural. Pregnancy hormones relax the muscles to the pain and tightness and stiffness was actually bareble. I was injured at work when i was 22 weeks pregnant so i was off work early on medical leave and had physio until i was about 8 months pregnant.

As I sit here, my neck is seizing up , I have a horrible headache , my fingers and my joints are swollen. it hurts to type. Their is pain right up to my elbows.  My shoulders are swollen, and my low back is hurting to sit. I really prefer to lie down when I am in pain. As soon as I finish typing this i will be going for water and a Tylenol and to lie on the couch. My family is currently watching the 2nd harry potter movie.

I just wanted to share because I have heard so many tell me I am to young to be in pain or to be so inactive. I have been judged for parking close to a store or having to sit down when standing .  Needing a chair or to sit against a wall.  Not all illnesses are visible . just because you cant see it, doesn’t mean its not real.  Even you cant see our struggle, its their every single day.  You cant even begin to know how i feel when i am in pain. Pain is such a little word, it just does not begin to describe it well enough.. some days I really feel like ive been hit by a bus and I am not exaggerating. Sometimes it really does feel like I have a really heavy weight on my shoulders that i wish to god I could pick up and put down like a back pack. Sometimes my shoulders feel like i am wearing a fully loaded back pack and I cant take it off.  Sometimes I feel like my head is in a vice gripe that someone is slowly tightening on my temples. I actually feel like I can feel the grip pads digging into my temples.

I often feel like a plastic water bottle that is full of air with the lid on. That you squeeze from the bottom up in both hands but there is no release because the lid is on.

Like a rolled up toothpaste that you are rolling up to the top to squeeze the last bit of toothpaste out but the lid is on and it has no wear to go , no wear to travel, and no way out. So it just builds up this pressure till the top just blows right off.

sometimes the pressure is so much i take my glasses off just because the added pressure if them over my ears is to much.

I sleep with 2 pillows under my head, one at my side and one under my knees.

I sleep on my side or my back . If i stretch my legs in my sleep i tend to wake up with a horrible charlie horse.

I wish I could clearly make someone understand and see what I mean, but even now I must stop typing , my fingers have just had enough tonight.

Thank you for reading if you have gotten this far.

Good night my friends.