One of my best friends and I were talking on the phone the other day. I was having  a really low day and feeling down. She asked me ” Mandy, when you think of yourself in 10 years what do you see? ”  ( I hate being called Mandy by anyone else LOL)

I really had to think about that question.  It really got me thinking a lot and reflecting on myself as a person now. You see I am very unhappy with myself. I have 0 self esteem, or confidence or self love. I know there is a lot of things I need to work on and changes I have to make.  I just havent had the will power or motivation to start on that journey or stick to it.  I always give up. My biggest thing is I really want to loose weight. I know I do but I havent done anything to even begin to try. I dont work out, I havent gone to the gym and I havent changed my eating. I just know I need and want to.

So when I look into the future, I dont see myself as I am now. I think about what I want.

In 10 years I will be 42 with a 12 year old daughter.  Sometimes I can see myself with 2 little girls and very involved in their schools and field trips etc. Cole and I at every game and activity and driving a van with their friends to and from concerns or plays or sports. That just seems sooo far away and crazy to think about. I  know I want to be a “soccer mom” and on the PTA and involved in my community. I want to be fit and healthy.  I want to be active and I see myself as happy and doing all these things.

So how do I get there? if I keep going the way I am going now, that vision of me I hold in my head will never happen and in 10 years I will be sitting here like What happened? I know I cant keep going the way that I am going. So when does the switch happen? What does the change start? And how do I get started?

Cole says I need to make a plan and stick to it? I have made so many plans, written them out step by step, set up meal plans,  talked about it and think about it , but then thats where it ends.  or if I do finally stick to something I fail 3 weeks to a month in because I’ve put so much pressure on myself and made an all or nothing plan. I always want fast results with little effort or work.

I could be going for walks or doing yoga, I could schedule some time into my day and make it happen. I plan to. I say tomorrow I will. Tomorrow comes and then I dont do it.

I am in this rut. I am jealous of everyone else who makes it look easy or is having results, but they deserve it because they are putting the work in.

i wish I could afford a personal trainer to come into my home and work with me once a week because that would keep me motivated and they can push me and challenge me and I wont have an excuse about not going out to a gym or not knowing what to do. So do I budget for that and put out that extra cost as an investment into myself to get me started even though we cant really afford it? I do think it will help. Maybe if it can get me started and developing new habits that in the new year I can continue on my own once I know what I am doing and have a momentum going?

I have joined gyms in the past and ended up paying for a membership im not using. I  keep telling myself id love to go for a swim or a work out at the Y but I dont have anyone to watch Madelyn and i dont go out at night because of my anxiety. Weekends wont work this month either because I am a vendor at craft fairs every weekend in November.

I should use my mornings off on Monday and go to the Y and leave her in their play care center but I havent taken her there before so she dosent know anyone and its not familiar. even though its part of the membership costs.

there is really no point to this post today, I just need to write and get some thoughts out to make sense of them and sort through them. Sometimes its just easier to admit it aloud and talk it through before it makes sense.

I must say, My family and I went out for a nature walk this weekend and it was so nice. I realized how much I really missed being outside in nature and walking with my family. enjoying the fresh air and moving my body. It was really refreshing and I really felt a difference in my mood the rest of the day.  We had a chance to chat with each other and not focus or worry about work stuff and day to day things. It was really nice to re connect and enjoy the weather. I really do want to get back to that. I miss riding my bike to. I had a lot of fun with madelyn this spring going for bike rides around the neighborhood just her and I . I hope I can squeeze a few more in before it freezes and the snow starts. I had hoped to this week but we are all down with the flu.

I was also doing beach body on demand 21 day fix at home. I made it almost the whole 3 weeks and I did loose 4 lbs. But then I fell and hit my head. I got a concussion and had to stop working out , after that it was just to hard to pick it up again.

What has worked for you? does anyone have any tips, advice or experiences they would care to share with me to help get me started? What would you do? What are your goals? id love to hear from you. 

My husband and our daughter on our family nature walk last weekend.