The Webster dictionary defines Mental Illness as ;

any of a broad range of medical conditions (such as major depression, schizophrenia, obsessive compulsive disorder, or panic disorder) that are marked primarily by sufficient disorganization of personality, mind, or emotions to impair normal psychological functioning and cause marked distress or disability and that are typically associated with a disruption in normal thinking, feeling, mood, behavior, interpersonal interactions, or daily functioning.

But those of us who suffer , know its so much more. I almost feel like the described above make it seem as its your fault for not thinking correctly or following the norm.

I have battled with depression and anxiety for the past 10 years and it took me 8 years just to accept that Mental Illness is just not all ” in my head” That it is a chemical reaction too.

A chemical imbalance in the brain is said to occur when there’s either too much or too little of certain chemicals, called neurotransmitters, in the brain. … It’s often said that mental disorders, such as depression and anxiety, are caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. – ( Source https://www.healthline.com/health/chemical-imbalance-in-the-brain)

Now we have recently learned that Adults with PKU have a higher risk of issues with mental illness that PKU affects the brain. When neurotransmitters are not made in the right amounts, the brain cannot function properly. High blood Phe levels can cause disruptions in neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine, which are important for mood, learning, memory, and motivation.

( source PKU and The brain http://canpku.org/pku-the-brain )

That being said, Just because I have PKU , does not mean I automatically will have depression or anxiety.

I think for myself personally, that the trauma and my past experiences are what caused my mental illness but struggling with my PKU on top of it defiantly makes it harder to cope or to get better.

I seem to go up and down. I have really good times and really low times. I am not bipolar though. I was diagnosed with chronic major depression, anxiety and panic disorder many years ago now. I know I have written about it in the past somewhere on my blog but as they years have gone by the posts have been buried or forgotten.

I was medicated for depression since 2012 to 2015.  I had tried so many different medications on the past and been on and off so much nothing ever really stuck. But in 2012 my doctor and i finally found a good treatment regime.  In 2014 I started to really struggle again. I ended up going to group cognitive behavior therapy until May 2015. Then I had private one on one counselling weekly till 2016.  I got pregnant with Madelyn in June 2015 and went off all my meds. I continued to see my counselor weekly in the beginning of my pregnancy then monthly, and after Madelyn was born it was harder and harder to get into sessions so I stopped going and my appointments really dropped off until this year when i was discharged in August.

When madelyn was about 7 months old I had been off my meds for almost 2 years and had no issues with post partum. That was my big fear was having post partum depression and unable to bond with my baby or look after us both.  I was lucky. Or So i thought.  Everyone is well aware of post partum depression and the risks . We hear about it more and more and their is alot of support and help to prevent it. What we dont hear a lot about is post partum anxiety.  or that either post partum depression and anxiety can occur up to a year after your baby is born. I thought I had escaped and succeeded. Then my world was turned upside down by graphic and horrible panic attacks. Visual “day mars” of tragedies that could occur to me or madelyn.  The fear struck me from all sides. What if we got in a car wreck? needed the jaws of life ? that she was hurt or worse and I could get to her.  What if was killed? I would have very visual images flash before me of the whole scene unfolding before me and powerless to stop it. My body would go rigid with fear and the tears would stream down my face. I would shake and be terrified to go out or to drive with her. so i avoided it at all costs.  I remember i needed to take her in for a check up at the OBGYN and i was terrified of going alone, of driving with her in the back away from me. I stood in the door with my keys looking at my car shaking so hard and crying bagging Cole to drive us and stay home from work but he couldn’t.  Winter made it even worse, snow made it even worse. I barely went out at all that winter.  By the time spring came back around I knew I needed help. I made the decision to go back on my medication. I was really struggling.

Here we are today and madelyn is 2.5 years old.  I am still having ups and downs. I am still struggling.  This summer was especially tough. I fell off track with everything. With my self care, with my diet, with my phe levels, with my weight, with my excersize. With my meal planning, with my whole daily routine and schedule, My levels got out of control and everything just sort of falling apart. My mind has been racing. I have built up walls around me that have cut me off and held me back.

for the past 3 years, i have not driven at night or after dark.  I dont normally go out after 3 pm or if I do not outside my neighborhood.  I wont drive or go out after Cole is home. This has meant weekends too. I get invited out to a friends or a gathering in a weekend or evening and I wont go not because I dont want to, but because I cant make myself.  I want to. I tell myself for as long as i can in advance that i will, or that I will try. Then they day comes and I just cant do it.  I have missed out on events  , concerts and shows ive really wanted to see cause i cant make myself go out.  I have concert tickets to see Brett Kissle in just over a week. Its a night. I have to drive myself. Normally who ever I go with will drive me but this time im meeting a friend there. Its almost winter, its dark, its wet and raining. I cant see well enough as it is at night but then add the shine and arorus and reflections from the lights and the rain.  Heaven for bid what I will do if it snows. I wont take  bus or taxi. I hate them and they make it worse. If I have a panic attack or if i need to leave i need to leave right now not wait for a bus or taxi.

I have all these things I want to try. I wish i could go to the gym, join a yoga class, go to pottery classes and learn to make something creative with my hands. tgo get out of my head and enjoy myself .  put this energy to good use. But I cant push myself hard enough.   I know i shouldn’t say I cant so much. or that I wont . I know its negative talk and its limiting me and cutting me off. I am actually a social person and i have great friends. I am extroverted and I do enjoy doing things. But I have limited myself to the times of day that i can do that. I have built these walls around me and its made me a bit lonely. I have lost friends from it. It has made me unreliable and not countable. It has made me a flaky friend. I thank god my friends that I do have put up with me.

When I think about how bad things where before and how far I have come. I really have made great progress. I have over come a lot but there is still chains on these shoulders.

Moving away from the island and memories that haunted me totally lessened the burden. I hated living in my own home town for the chains weighed so heavily on my heart and body and it was a weight that was exhausting me to carry. I felt so much more free after we moved. Like my chest lightened and i could breathe. I was literally afraid to breathe back home. I was afraid of who was around any corner.

I was bullied , beaten, abused and nearly killed as a teenager. I carry the guilt and shame of my past and of who i was . Every time i go home even for a visit im scared i will run into someone who knew me then and judge me. I have worked so hard to get where i am in life. I automatically want to shout ” Thats not me “s  thats not who i am. Please dont let it define me ”  I am always looking over my shoulder over who might see me. I am so glad I dont live there anymore. It was not a way to live my life. when I drive past a familiar spot, or a familiar street, or somewhere i spent time, or where something happens its like the air is knocked out of me. I literately dont breathe.  I was so happy last year when my old high school was demolished and torn down. One more reminder I dont have to see.  Just walking past the outside I could hear the taunts, feel the heart break, feel the stares, I was flooded with reminders and memories. I can still see it. I can still hear it.  and god damn nearly 15 years later , I can still feel it.

I did not have an easy time at school or at home. growing up in a dysfunctional family that has been torn open at the seems and split apart right at the heart leaves scares on a soul.  I wasn’t happy long before my accident in 2008 . I didn’t realize how much it still effects me, how i still hang onto it and is still carry it.  No one else who was there rembers it or feels like i do.  Everyone who say me beaten or bullied , or ganged up on and jumped can move on and forget. My abusers have moved on and started families of their own and dont give it any thought. My heart still remembers , my soul still feels it. it still effects me. I have given them far to much power. I have let them haunt my dream for far to long. why Cant I move on to? I have such a great life now. I have worked so hard. I can appreciate my accomplishments . I went to college, I became a nurse, I became a mother, I changed my career and opend my own business. I have a wonderful life partner who after everything and 13 years still loves me despite my problems.

It has made me very self conscious, needy, and very low self esteem. I constantly need reminders and reassurance . I am always striving for someone elses approval. I do not love myself or my body.  I do not want this to be the example for madelyn. I want her to love herself, be strong and confident and stand up for herself. To not be a victim or meak and weak. I want her to be the best she can be. I want her to be healthy . I want her to feel loved and not feel fear. I want her to feel her parents support and that she is able to come to us for anything. In general i just want to be better. I  know the things i should do to make myself better but here it is again, I cant.

I am tired of everyone telling me to ” just do it” or get over it. Or that its all in my head. that the chronic pain that is weighing me down is caused form my mental illness, that my stress and my struggles are physically manifesting and reducing stress loosing weight, eating healthy and being active will solve all my problems.

i wish there was a magic wand to wave and make myself better.  I think these feelings and struggles are a large part of the reason i stepped back from my pku advocacy work , from my blog and from mentoring pku friends. I have felt like , if i cant help myself what right do i have to help them? what right do i have to be voice in this community? Or who really wants to hear from me?

but , writting helps me. Im slowly finding my passions again and doing things that bring me joy. Like reading. Oh man i love reading. Im trying to learn yoga and work towards using it more frequently in hopes of growing my own personal daily practice. I want to start walking again and hiking. Before it gets to cold or snows.   SO i guess its back to step 1 and baby steps. I will remind myself, one day at a time. One step at a time.  Every day is a fresh start to try again or to keep going.

Maybe i should write that on my mirror? Hmmm.. good idea !!!??