This weekend was a weekend where I faced some very big personal challenges and looked one of my fears head on.

Perhaps I should start from the beginning. Most of my adult life I have lived with severe chronic depression, anxiety and panic disorder. I do not blame my PKU for this, I think it has an impact, but it is not the source. This effects me because I have my comfort zones, and my comfort radius and I do not leave that. If I do , I need Cole with me. I will not go out alone after dinner unless he is with me. I will not travel with out him. I will not spend the night any where over night with out him. I am dependant on him, he is my comfort. My security. I feel stronger and more confident with him around. He knows me, he knows what my triggers are and how to work me through them. I rely on him to give me strength to do things.

I wont drive very far on my own, I am totally fine driving to and from work and around kamloops on my own and during the day, but once is Cole home in the evenings, I want to be home to.

Cole drives me to my clinic appts, I cannot drive that far on my own. I refuse so drive the Coquihalla Highway myself or anywhere in or near Vancouver. If I could perhaps I would go back to Victoria more.

Over the years I have passed up many travel opportunities, trips, and girls night out, or sleep overs with friends. I don’t go out to bars or have a night life.  I have lived with the regret and being left out , friends don’t even ask me any-more.  For the most part I have told myself I am ok with it. Because I just cannot face my fear. I would NOT face my fear.

I have been slowly pushing myself over the years , I feel like I have come along way, though I still have along way to go.

This weekend I really really really pushed myself! and I survived!!

I flew to Toronto!!!!!!!!!!!

LIKE OMG!!

I went away for a whole weekend, WITHOUT COLE!

I flew from kamloops on west jet Friday morning to Calgary, met up with Nicole Pallone vp of CanPKU and then flew 4 more hours to Toronto for  CanPKU meeting and strategic planning session!

We stayed at the Sheraton hotel and had meetings every day. Friday we went for dinner and then we had the Annual general meeting , followed by a board meeting. I am now a Director for CanPKU! Seeing the inside workings and leaning so much about CanPKU was amazing!  We even had a low protein candy bar for the meeting,

Saturday morning was a buffet style breakfast, I had low protein bagels, fruit and cereal! we had our Strategic planning session, with lots of brain storming and making plans for the future of CanPKU. Which p.s, I am so excited to be a part of!!  Lunch was amazing, I had a low protein potato salad, celery root braised potatoes, and cream of vegetable soup!

Nicole always puts so much effort into making these events PKU friendly and the variety of food always makes me so excited. It is not heavy on the medical foods, but its real food cooked in ways I would never think of and it gives me ideas, and inspires my passion! I really appreciate all her hard work in making myself and the other PKU adults feel normal and it takes a huge stress off my shoulders not having to worry about what I am going to eat , when I am going to eat and what I need to bring with me! I can relax and enjoy myself and know that it will all be OK.

All of us went out for dinner together to Jacks bar and grill and it was so much fun. We shared some laughs , some drinks, and experiences / memories! It was a great social experience and I cannot remember a time when I have gone out with friends with out Cole, stayed out late  and been able to not be anxious and stressed out. I enjoyed myself! I felt like an adult and I had fun! I talked and socialized with everyone. I bonded and got to know the faces to the familiar names and voices that I have been on conference calls with over the years, worked with over email and who live all over Canada!

Sunday morning , we had a hot low protein breakfast and I finally got to try cambrooke eggs ( note : I still prefar the Pku prespectives eggs)  with potatoes and a camburger pattie.

Not only did I fly on 4 planes this weekend, I went out to dinner and enjoyed myself with great pku community friends but I also slept alone in my own hotel room! with a king size bed lol. I made myself a “nest” in all the big puffy pillows and fell right alseep. Though the changing time zones did effect me and I didnt get much sleep. I was to tired to be nervous or scared.  I talked to cole once a day on the phone and texted with my mom all weekend.

We left the hotel sunday morning at 1130 Toronto time, for our flight at 1 pm.  Nicole, Jen and I had a snack type lunch at the airport. Jen flew back to Vancouver and Nicole and I flew to Calagary.. I had a 5 hour lay over and had to hang out at the airport by myself and my phone was dead. I had dinner by myself and did some shopping!

I got home at 9 pm local kamloops time.  Cole and Copper picked me up and Copper was soooo so excited that he sat on my lap with his paws around my  neck licking my face the whole way home and then fell asleep in my arms. It almost made me cry. My baby puppy!!!! Holding him in my arms and holding coles hand on the way home in the truck and just quiet. Went straight to bed and was great to be home! and sleep in my own bed.

Flying was such a new experience for me. For years I had been to scared thinking what if the plane crashes? what if I die? i am not ready to die, I have so much life left to live, I have to many things I want to do and my biggest regrets would not ever being a wife and mother. I was scared to be on my own, to be alone, to have to depend on myself to stay calm and responsible. All week I thought about the Alanis morrasset song where she talks about the “man who was afraid to fly, he waited his whole damn life , to take that flight, when the plane crashed down he thought  isn’t it ironic? ” because it truly would be ironic. People talk about how safe flying is and how nothing rarely happens, but then it just so happens to happen with me?

Flying the way there was beautiful and breathe taking, specially over the Rockies and beautiful BC. But the weight of my situation did not hit me then as I was still really nervous and not use to the turbulences and bumps.  On the way home from Toronto it hit me. what I had done, what I had accomplished and just how far I had travelled. I could not get over how much of the country I was seeing. I was a little sad, as I sat glued to the window watching life go on under the clouds ( I WAS ABOVE THE CLOUDS!!) that I could not recall my elementary/ high school education specially my geology and could not appreciate where I was , what I was seeing and where each province started and ended, or even what order they are in. I felt so sad and stupid. I regretted cheating on my diet, lying about what I ate and the damage that i did to my brain. I have come so far and accomplished , but I still have these effects that linger, specially with my memory and recall. It is something that burdens me and weighs on me, it also weighs on my soul and my guilt. I hope now it will drive me and give me back the motivation that I need to pick myself back up and get back on track with my health and PKU!

Over all, what a great weekend and I am so proud and happy to be apart of such a great team at CanPKU and I am eagerly looking forward to what the future holds and just how far CanPKU and PKU will go!

in closing, here are some photos from the weekend!! i hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoyed taking them!!