This week marked 5 years since my life changed.

You see in 2008 I had a floating knee cap, It constantly dislocated. I injured it twice , once in middle school, I tripped over a cord at a school dance. I tore my muscles and dislocated my knee cap, it twisted all the way around to the back and tore my tendons and ligaments. Then In 2006 I injured it working as a cashier at Winners. I had been struggling with it since. In 2008 I had my first surgery for my knee. March 2008 , I was off work on medical leave for 15 weeks.  My recovery was slow , my knee got infected and I could not bend my knee. I had to go back and have my knee bent under sedation to help it move. As as a part of my physio I was suppose to go to physio and start riding my bike again. Though I could not afford physio and my knee was still not bending.

On the day my medical leave was up, I started a new job as a receptionist at a chiropractic office. My knee was stiff but started to bend so I decided to ride my bike to my first day of work.  I still remember my mom came over before my shift was suppose to start and asked me not to ride my bike and to take the bus. She didnt want to worry about me. She said she had a bad feeling. I didnt listen. It was july and it was beautiful sunny day.

I should have listened to my mom, something she still reminds me of every chance she gets.

On my way home from work, I was riding on the galloping goose. A old railroad track trail.  Gravol.  As I approached the end of the trail , it broke over the Sooke Road Highway. I dissmounted my bike and began to walk it down to the cross walk.  Just before the cross walk  there is a store called ” Willow Wind Feed Store” its a tack and farm animal shop. There was a car in the drive way sitting there. I could not see a turn singal on or any sign she was going to move. The driver did not look at me.  After that the details are hazzy. The next thing I remember is I was going down under her car. She had hit me just above my knee at my thigh. The same leg that I had just had the surgery.  She paniced as I fell. I landed half on my bike, and half on the ground with my legs twisted and under her car. She want to back up, I got my legs out just in time. Then I was being pulled out from under the car.

I could not wait bare on my legs. I was shaking and I learnt after I kept repeating “I am fine , I just want to go home.”

I remember calling cole, In a calm voice I told him ” I have just been hit by a car” and then I kinda lost it.  He was at the mall and was coming as soon as he could. He got there just as the ambulance came. I believe at this point I was in shock.

I don’t remember what happened at the hospital. I know that their diagnosis was soft tissue damage. I remember standing up when they told me I could go home and a shot of pain ripped through me and I could barely walk but they still sent me home.

some time later, days or maybe weeks later, I was sitting at my desk and work when all of a sudden I went into spasms and convolutions of pain. It ripped through my back, I could not breathe., I could barely walk or stand. I made it to the back room to be away from customers and crumbled. I remember my boss came, they put me on a table and tried some acupuncture needles, nothing was working and my legs where numb. They called Cole and I left.

I had a ruptured disk. I learnt later, When I landed I shifted my pelvic floor and ruptured my L5 S1 disk. I had static nerve pain and damage.

I was told the pain would never go away, and it has not.  The pain took over my life, it effected every aspect of my life. It held be back from living my life and it effected my relationship with cole, my family and friends.

It effected my work and my ability to hold a job, it effected my moods and my confidence. It caused me to fall in to depression and anxiety. Chronic major depression, anxiety and panic disorder , so I am told.

I wouldn’t leave my house, I couldn’t work, I was dependent on Cole.  The pain was so intense, every day for the moment I woke up and stepped out of bed, to the moment I went to bed and even while I slept.  It kept me awake and made for restless nights.  So to say it changed my life is putting it lightly.

I lived my life day to day in pain, with numbing from the waste down. I let it control my life and lived my life in fear of hurting it worse. I didn’t do anything. I was not active, I did not swim or go for walks or bike rides. I was left out of activities and held myself back from trying anything . I had “fear of movement”

I would try here and there, only making it worse. Id go to the gym for a few months or do something active and then id hurt more and id stop. Starting and stopping over and over again.

Physio sometimes 4 times a week. I wore a back brace all through my LPN course.  I have taken many many many types of pills even narcotics like hydromorphone. Nothing came close to managing the pain. Now I take gabapentin, 2 300 mg tablets twice a day and use tramadol for break through pain.

Tylenol and Advil just don’t cut it.

Then in 2011 I had another accident at work , A medication cart fell over and I caught it. IT felt like some one stabbed me in the back instantly.  a year off work , 10 weeks of physio and massage every day, a graduated return to work program that I could barely get through 4 hours on  , with out driving myself to emergency with spasms ripping through my body.  I was told I should consider giving up nursing. That Id never have a pain free day again. That I should consider doing something else or going on disability.

We then decided to move to kamloops. I went back to work as a nurse. I just could not give up.  I pushed through. I still remeber the first week up here, at my new job. I called cole in tears. He was still in Victoria finalizing things down there. before joining me 2 weeks later.  Cole feared I had done something else, another injury or accident. He said ” what did you do now?” but they where happy tears. I made it through a week of shifts, back to back and was in very little pain. I even had a pain free day! I cried and cried.

over the last year , I have gotten stronger, and I have been improving. Every day is a new day, a fresh start and a chance to start over. I am happier, I am healthier and I am more active. Since those first few pain free days turned into pain free weeks I began to test my new found freedom, I joined the gym, I started swimming regularly again. I went to aqua fit, I made new friends. I went for long walks with my camera and my new friends.  I joined drop in badminton and I tried Zumba. I joined yoga and was going twice a week.

The pain is not all gone, I still wake up and have painful days or painful moments. But compared to a year ago when I could barely put on my own socks, I take each day as a blessing.  But I keep going, and I keep trying. I keep working and I am making up for lost time.

I have a pain managment routine that finally works for me and being active has helped to. The yoga and the swimming loosen up my muscles . I get so stiff and sometimes it feels like my back muscles are trying to suffocate my spin. I get all twisted up and my muscles feel like there ripping and tearing. Or my legs are more numb and contracted.  So I have learnt by swimming, walking, hiking, biking and yoga I can keep them loosen up and I can do more things. I feel like I have so much catching up to do! So many things I missed out on!

I love sports! I love hiking, I love being out doors, I feel great after a good swim or walk. I am just starting to cycle again , i am up to 30 mins. I love yoga to. Its been great for my body and moving slowly, stretching each and every muscle. Its intense but it sets my day and my mood.

Its been a bit tough since starting my night line in march to continue to be active. There was the hole adjustment period and changing my sleep schedule and daily life. So I have not been as active since April and man do  I feel it!!

I can tell now. I can hear my body and its telling me to get back at it! Sometimes its hard to be active, I lack motivation, i hate going alone and sometimes ‘im lazy, or to tired. Then my body pays the price.

This week I went for a short Hike with cole and have gone swimming 3 times. It has really made a differnace. My legs where so sore , they felt like my thighs and calves where ripping apart. They where so tight and hard as rock. My massage therapist said they felt like hers does after 4 back to back hockey games.

The nerves where firing alot and lots of numbing. stiff neck , headaches and very tight and sore low back. Poor range of motion. Already I can feel it getting better.

I have learnt alot about myself, my body and my health. Its a journey and its never ending. I am more positive now and I have hope   that one day I will realize that I have not felt pain a very long time. I want to forget what its like to have pain every single day!

I am 27 years old and my body feels 80 some days!

I decided to share this story with you today , to recognize my milestone, to recognize my journey and to mark the 5 years since my life changed. I decided to take my life back and I work at it every day.  This is something I live with , its a part of me just like my PKU, it impacts my life but it dosent have to control my life!