For as long as I could remeber I have wanted to be a mother. Even before I understood what a mother was. you would ask me what I wanted to be when I grow up and it was a mommy. I was a mommy to all my dolls and even would put them under my little shirts and pretend to be pregnant. 

This was my dream, even though my clinic and my family told me I would never have kids. The risks of having a mentally disables baby was to high.  Untill I was 18. Then the adult clinic told me that was wrong. There was no reason why I could not have a normal happy healthy baby IF i followed the maternal PKU ( MPKU) pre conception diet.  6 months prior to conceiving, during conception  , through out the pregnancy and if so , breastfeeding too.  Thought it seems daughtning and almost impossible there was no going back for me. I knew that some day I was going to be a mom.  I didnt care about anything else. There was no way they could take this away from me now. 

So here I am at 26 years old, in a committed relationship of  7.5 years with the same man. Whom i love with all my heart, Childless.  And my dream is weighing on my shoulders and I am feeling the baby fever. However Cole is not! he is not ready for a baby and is as well scared of the risks.  I have been on birth control for 10 years. We cannot afford an surprise. Every day that goes by I worry about the effects those chemicals are having on my body and my chances of not being able to concieve.  I have nightmares of never having my own biological baby. ever.  That maybe there is something wrong with me. That maybe my PKU will cause something to go wrong. The pressure is all on me. When we decide we are ready, if my levels eleveate, if i get sick , if anything happens, its all on me. I can tell cole knows that. There is nothing he can do.  I do not believe in abortion. However I do also believe it is not fair to bring a child into the world who will not have a fair chance, that will not have a quality of life. I know it sound selfish but I cannot have a mentally challenged child , or downsyndrome or deformed. it is not fair to the child or to cole and I. i cannot be selifish though because I tell myself god does not give you more than what you can handel. even if you dont feel that way.   I really feel that if i did not have PKU we would have already had a baby. It is so fruserating to me.  Everyone around me are having babies, even 2 or 3 . Cole and I have been together longer than anyone else we know. Yet we are not married or engaged and we have yet to start a family. Yes we have a rocky life, ups and downs but our relationship is solid. our love has never wavered. We have seen our friends, get together, get married, have kids and some even divorce and we have been through it all.  

I have talked to cole about my feelings many times. I always thought id have a baby by the time I was 26. Now that is certainly not going to happen.  i worry about when cole finally decides he is ready that it will take to long. Not only will I have to do the pre conception diet for 6 months prior, but AFTER that then I can go off birth control ( cant go off if while on pre conception because cant have any surprises if levels are not yet stable)  and after going off birth control it can still take months or even years for my system to adjust. So my dream seems to be still years off to far. I never wanted my first baby in my 30s and I have only ever wanted one baby.  My family does not support me and I cannot tell them how i feel , I cant even talk to them about it. They do not understand my desire. They tell me to adopt or surrogate. I will not do this. I want to make and carry our child. i want to experience a pregnancy and feel my baby grow and change and develop. I want to experience a labour and birth. I am so jealous of everyone around me and how easy they have it and they dont even know it.  I am trying not to grow resentful but every time I see new ultrasound photos or tummy photos I wonder what about me. it is truly my only I HATE PKU moments. 

I understand the risks, I know what can happen in an unplanned pregancy. I know that my PHE levels are double in the uterus and are toxic to the baby. I know what can happen to my baby if i am not healthy.  SO that is my focus right now, making myself healthy.  Cole and I talked and he said if I can prove that I can be consistent with my diet and keep my levels down in range for 6 months then we will talk again about it.  So essentially I am trying to do the pre conception diet and not fall off track. This is my 3rd attempt. It is hard to stay motivated when I know cole does not want a baby yet and we are not actually really planning.   No one thinks i can do it.  I have always been able to bring my levels down for months at a time but never consistently.  So that has motivated me, as well I have been dreaming almost every single night about my future baby. I dream of a girl , I already have a name picked out. So my dreams are weighing me down and focusing my goals and my motivation. I am going to try to do this . I hope cole changes his mind soon. I dont no how long I can wait. Dont get me wrong. I would never push him or force him. i could not live with the guilt or want him to day to resent me. As well I would never leave him. So i just wait and wait and wait for him to be ready. 

Its almost the same with marraige. I always believed firmly in marraige before baby. I want to be married, have the same last name and time to enjoy being man and wife before a baby comes along. And i feel like  I am running out of time. Everyone tells me I am still young, I have plenty of time. 30 is still young and a great time to have kids. But thats not what I planned. thats not what I wanted  Ideally , if all goes well and things change id like to have a baby in the next year or so! 

So I am working on my PHE levels and bringing them down between 2- 4 mm/dl and I am doing weekly blood tests. I am tracking everything and I am working on looseing weight and making my body healthy.  If I can do all this and am successful then maybe my dreams and my goals will become a relatilty. 

fingers crossed!!