My mom.

This will be a difficult and emotional post. This post is about my mom.  I love my mom with all my heart and soul. We have had a rocky relationship over the years but no matter what my mom has always been there for me. Sometimes we dont see eye to eye, sometimes I dont agree with her, sometimes she is negative and rude. she is also funny as hell and beautiful , and in her own way she loves all her children to the moon and back. We have our differences ,  But by god I love her.  There is no bond like a bond of a mother and child. As you grow up and learn your mom is not perfect but damn she did the best she could. I gave my mom alot of grief  to. I worry about her and the impact I made on her.  When I was first diagnosed , my mom was 20 years old. It was a very hard time. I spent alot of time in and out of bc childrens hospital as a child. i spent my first 6 weeks there and was back and forth till i was 5 years old.  I dont remember what happend as a baby but i no that it traumatized my mom.  My mom has told me stories and the horrors she faced. How she felt like i was a guinie pig. poked and prodded and tested . How far she was pushed and how she had to be my only voice.  I have seen photos of me in a crib with cords and wires all over my head hooked up to monitors and I can see the tears in her eyes in the photos and as she tellls me the stories. She tells me how sick I was and how much I could not tolerate my formula. I projectile vomitted and was constantly covered in vomit , in my crib my clothes and my hair. My mom actually tried to take my out of the hopsital and had socail serviecs called on her.  Eventually they had to send her home and keep me there.  It was a very sad time in our history but she never gave up. She never gave up on me and she did the best she could for me. As I grew up my mom made me my meals, my foods, my menus, she made my formula and she stayed up so late at night making the math and the calculations work. She pleaded and bagged me to do my blood draws. She made the day special and took me shopping and gave me stickers.  as i got closer to 12 and 13 years old I began to lie and cheat about what I am eating. I was always a very picky eater. idid not want to eat what my mom had pre planned for me. Also I was hungry and the meal portions where way to small. I hated my formula and I refused to drink it. I made myself very sick. I suffered from high level symptoms. That I refused to believe where from my PKU. My mom fought and pleaded with me and we argued alot.  I had anger issues and was a real drama queen. my emotions where hightend along with teen age hormones and high levels was a bad mixture.  All the time my mom never gave up on me. behind the scene she was working to get me admitted to the hospital to be withdrawn from my high levels.  I was admitted for the first time on my own for 6 weeks. That was the first time. The second time was when I was 17 and it was for 2 weeks.  I never really understood the damage I was doing. I saw my mom cry and I saw her pain and her frustration. I just turned away. I didn’t hear it. I didn’t want to hear it. I cant imagine the pain I caused my mom.  it tore us away. She never stopped loving me and I never stopped loving her but it did have an effect on our relationship.   But no matter how much I argued and fought her she was always there for me . I was bullied and beaten up by peers and harassed about the smells of my formula, my weird foods and me personally. I was treated like there was somethign wrong with me. and for a long time there was.  I was always involved in drama and problems at school. I always was right in the middle of drama., My world was a mess. between boys, falling grades and failing school, fighting at home and my emotions things where a mess but whenever i was in trouble my mom was there to bail me out. or to be by my side. fighting for me.  she was always at the school or talking to teachers or other parents for me. fighting my battles that i could not fight.  i never really understood what she did for me.  I never really understood what she sacrficed for me. I never really got what a parent with a pku child went through.  untill i started meeting other people with pku and parents of pku children sharing there stories with me. It gave me a hole new prespective of my own life and my moms.  We have grown apart over the years but i think of my mom all the time. whenever i am upset or something bad has happened i always want my mom no matter where we are at in our relationshup. if shes mad at me or if we are not talking i always call my mom and she always takes me back. shes always there for me. So in turn this post is a tribute to the scarfices she made for me to be healthy and have a good quailty of life.  for raising me to be the person i am today and for giving me the head start i needed to make it on my own and to teach me right from wrong, for supporting me, for being my advocate , for being my voice and for doing her very best.  So thank you mom. I love you. xoox